Auras are multi-layered. Wife Laurie considers those who attend to her Core Aura (her passions) as ‘super-nice’ and those who are merely courteous to her Surface Aura (her superficial interests) as merely ‘nice’. It is easy to confuse courteous to our Surface Aura with attentive to our Core Aura. In a personal example, I was confused as to why I would get increasingly angry in social interactions between Daughter, Boyfriend and Wife. They had been courteous to my Surface Aura and consistently ignored my Core Aura.
Nice (Attentive) to the Skin or Heart of Laurie’s Aura?
Confusing Courteous to the Surface Aura with Attentive to the Heart Aura
As he is not ‘Nice’ to her Heart Aura, Laurie falls out of love with Don
Personal Example of Confusing Two Kinds of ‘Nice’
Auras are determined at least in part by the complexity of Feelings-driven emotions that Nature/Evolution has endowed us with to drive our behavior. As such, our Auras are layered like the skins of an onion. Due to this complexity, ‘being nice’ (attentive) to someone’s Aura likewise has many layers associated with it.
The extremes are straightforward (unambiguous). When George ignores Laurie altogether, it is obvious that he is not being ‘nice’ to her (attentive to her Aura). Let’s quantify this level of ‘niceness’ with a ‘0’. At least, he is not being mean to her, which would rate a negative number.
Conversely, when George expresses love for Laurie, it is equally obvious that he is paying Attention to her Aura. Would love be given a ‘1’ on the ‘niceness’ scale? Not necessarily.
As mentioned, Laurie’s Aura has many layers. Let us call the Aura’s outer layers its Skin or Surface because these are associated with surface manifestations – looks, gender, general characteristics. Let us call the Aura’s inner layer its Heart or Core because it is associated with personal Passion.
George could be in love with Laurie’s beautiful body. This type of Attention objectifies Laurie and misses the higher levels of niceness. George could be in love with himself and try to impress Laurie with his personal attributes, e.g. looks, money, fame. This type of love also misses the mark – the Heart of Laurie’s Aura. Perhaps a score of 0.2?
Laurie might have other attributes besides looks that are attractive to George – money, status or connections. In this case, George might treat Laurie well – buy her chocolates and flowers, take her out to dinner, and/or just be kind and considerate to her. This type of paying Attention, while intoxicating, still falls short. Even though George is being nice to Laurie in all the traditional ways, he has yet to engage with her Heart Aura, her passions. He is still courting only the surface, the Skin of her Aura. Niceness score 0.4.
Only when George spends his mental energy in the attempt to find out what really motivates and excites Laurie is he really being ‘nice’ to her core – the passion-filled Heart of her Aura. Only then would his expression of love come close to the ideal ‘1’ rating.
And then he could only maintain this rating if he continued his attentiveness. ‘Niceness’ is not a location, a state or a characteristic, but rather a process that must be continually renewed.
We’ve spoken about love, but this analysis of ‘nice’ also applies to interpersonal relationships. Mistaking the two types of ‘nice’, i.e. one courteous to the Aura’s Surface the other attentive to the Aura’s Heart, can lead to some very confusing emotions.
For instance, the feeling of ‘being lonely in a crowd’ is associated with this confusion. Everyone in the crowd is respectful and courteous. No one is mean or exclusionary. Yet a feeling of loneliness and isolation might arise from the depths despite being surrounded by other humans.
Why? The feeling of inclusion that is the antidote to loneliness is based upon another creature’s investment of Attention’s mental energy in our Core Aura. Without this Attention, our Core Aura wilts, like a plant without water. We feel Pain. Better to be alone, than feel excluded in a crowd.
Before proceeding forth to some personal examples, let us place this purposeful Core Aura in the context of the constructs of our ID model. According to our model, Feelings provide all living creatures with motivation. There are two types of Feelings that go by a variety of names: surviving and thriving, protection and growth, homeostasis and innate nature.
The first type is a form of maintenance and is only loosely connected to our Core Aura. The second type is creative and is directly linked with our Core Aura. It could be associated with anything from our offspring (reproduction) to furthering human culture with our creations. Those Beings that truly love us are attentive (nice) to the data streams that are most exciting to us – those that are directly linked to our personal passions, e.g. creative projects, children, relationships, a book or food.
Just as Laurie is attracted to men who are ‘nice’ to the Heart of her Aura, we become friends with those who are attentive, not to the Skin of our Aura, but to its Heart.
To illustrate and ground our discussion, let us provide a personal example.
For the first three decades of our relationship, my wife Laurie and I were attentive to each other’s needs – first creating a household, establishing careers and then raising two daughters. We were ‘nice’ to each other on the highest level – attending to our Core Auras, both collectively and individually.
After sending our two daughters off to college and Leo, her Jack Russell terrier, died, Laurie took up bicycling. She quickly became a fanatic long distance specialist. This new-found talent entailed spending increasing amounts of time away from home on the back of her titanium lover – appropriately named Hermes after the winged god.
I became increasingly jealous of her metallic companion. They were having lots of fun together without me. It was obvious that she loved him more than me.
Run down from the grind of waiting tables at a busy Italian restaurant (Dario’s) in my early 60s, I wasn’t having so much fun. Sleep deprived from adrenalized late nights of work, vitality drained, cognitive skills diminished, I wasn’t thinking so clearly. Plus no energy to join Auras (all those firing IMPs) with Laurie in some bicycling fun.
With her extreme exercise, Laurie had dropped off 30 pounds of weight and was gorgeous (the classic hard body). She was vibrant and excited about fulfilling the potentials of her Innate Nature – presumably her epic biking trips (140 miles in a single day). She wanted to share her excitement with me.
However due to my jealousy and lack of vitality, I was unable to attend to her Core Aura. I could neither appreciate her spectacular beauty, nor tolerate her endless stories about unknown places with spectacular views, especially because her bicycle lover was taking her away from me.
On and on Laurie babbled after every bike ride. “Hermes is so marvelous in this and that way. I get so many compliments on how good he looks. Everyone loves him. We have such a great time together. It is too bad that you can’t come along. But work comes first.”
It was if she was bragging about her sexual exploits with her lover – not me. Rather than happy for her excitement, it was painful to hear her endless tales of adventure. Even if I had the mental energy, which I didn’t, I couldn’t attend her Core Aura – because I resented it. I could no longer invest my mental energy in the Heart of her Aura.
Even though I had been ‘nice’ to her for over 30 years, I wasn’t being ‘nice’ to her anymore. Once loveable, but no longer.
Younger Don = Nice to Laurie
Laurie = loves Younger Don
60ish Don ≠ Nice to Laurie
Laurie ≠ loves Older Don
Accompanying this loss of niceness was a loss of attractiveness. Laurie naturally wanted someone to appreciate the new her – her fresh Aura. And that wasn’t me. Tied together by family, friends and a home, Laurie opted for an open marriage – where she could pursue others guilt-free – those who loved her Heart, her Core – those who were ‘nice’ to the ‘real’ her.
This common process illustrates several key points:
1) Our Aura (patterned IMP firings) changes over time.
2) Our Aura has many layers – Skin (surface) to Heart (core).
3) We are attracted to those who are ‘nice’ (attentive) to the Heart of our Aura, not the Skin. Vice versa, we are not attracted to those who aren’t ‘nice’ to our Heart Aura.
4) The ‘niceness’ entails investing Attention’s mental energy into the data/image streams/topics that are most significant – the Heart Aura.
5) Feelings have charged the Heart Aura’s image streams with the most positive emotion because they are associated with an expression of our Innate Nature, not merely Homeostasis.
6) The joining of Auras feels good (evokes pleasure) because the mental energy magnifies and energizes. Vice versa, the exclusion/shunning/ignoring of an Aura feels bad (evokes pain) because the potential for this magnification is denied.
As these insights derive from Human Experience, they can only be applied to Humans. They might also apply to other species in certain cases. Perhaps even the single cell feels a certain pleasure from joining Auras with other cells.
Let us ground these abstractions in a personal example. As mentioned, it is easy to confuse the two kinds of ‘nice’: the one courteous to the Surface of our Aura, the other attentive to our Core.
Although they were always ‘nice’ to me, I regularly experience(d) emotional pain in the company of Daughter, Boyfriend and Wife/Mother. While too many occasions to recount, probably started with Conflagration #1. Was so furious after a prolonged house visit that I refused to say goodbye to Boyfriend and was subsequently reviled by Wife and Daughter as an inferior human being in need of counseling.
Why so angry? Definitely perplexed. Couldn’t quite put my finger on why the trio was so infuriating. The three adults were polite and courteous to me. Certainly nothing overt to be upset over. Dad being supplanted by another – a Father of the Bride scenario? Unlikely. I was glad when both Daughters found boyfriends and love my Son-in-law like a brother.
The big insight came years later (2021) – when understanding was triggered by Laurie’s ‘nice’. The trio was unquestionably ‘nice’ to the outer layers of my Aura: the generalized Father Aura – he who pays the tab at restaurants and sits respectfully – obediently doing as he is told. However, the trio completely neglected/shunned/ignored my Inner Aura, where my Passions reside – my writing, intellect, music, and emotions. So while they were ‘nice’ (courteous) to my superficial Aura, they were not ‘nice’ (attentive) to my Core Aura, my Heart.
Why was and is this a problem?
Recall that being ‘nice’/attentive is associated with investing mental energy in another’s Aura. Joining Auras, in turn, generates a greater whole – a larger emanation with more power. Witness a country or a multinational corporation. Nourished by Attention, an expanding Aura signals vitality, an inner excitement. Conversely, when denied this mental energy from others, the Aura shrinks. Like a flower without water, our personal emanation wilts. A Shrinking Aura causes emotional pain.
I wasn’t feeling pain because of a neurosis derived from childhood – psychological problems of some kind that needs therapy. Rather my pain was due to being denied what every human being deserves – Attention to the Heart of our Aura – especially from visitors who are in the midst of an extended visit, i.e. over 3 days.
My presumably negative emotion was probably evolutionary, rather than psychological. Nature endowed humans with this negative reinforcement to encourage us to join Auras for the mutual advancement of our species via cultural technology.
Rather than make an appointment with a psychologist, it was more important for me to confront the situation. Rather than wait and hope for Attention as in the past, I needed to respond to and express my Feelings of neglect - because they are real. Evolution provided us with Emotions for a reason – in this case, to inspire social interaction.